The Absent Period

After not having my period for one month and then going almost an entire month without another one, I was perplexed. These last couple of weeks I had become a swollen mass of human flesh. I gained four pounds and just couldn’t figure out where the hell all that extra weight had come from. Of course, it couldn’t have come from eating too much—I got that denial down pat! But being paranoid, I started to worry. What if I am pregnant? I was thinking, “Should I get a pregnancy test?” Now keep in mind that I am 49 years old. In less than 6 months I will be 50. Keep also in mind that I haven’t used birth control in more than 12 years and have never gotten pregnant. Nope, I need medical intervention for that! But still I was worry and a little embarrassed at the possibility.

The idea of stepping into the drugstore, picking up that white and purple box and then walking up to a clerk ten years younger than me was daunting. I could imagine what she would think…”That is one old broad and she is doing a pregnancy test”. Honestly, that was the least of my worries. Imagine being 50 and having a baby. All I could think of was where and the Hell would I put this baby once it was born. Every room in my house is occupied by a person or things. I thought that, if forced to, I could put the baby in my office, but then as the baby got older, where would I work or keep my books. Needless to say, I was more interested in keeping my space than having a baby which tells you something. Anyway, my period miraculously arrived a week later. Unfortunately I still have those four extra pounds despite whatever working out and watching my food intake efforts I have undertaken. Oh, did I mention that losing weight is a tough road to haul in menopause. More on that later, I gotta go have an afternoon snack.